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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It irritates my close ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.